Gifts of Handkerchiefs and Yukatas…
by pinkpuruu
Summary: Just some Syaoran introspective during manga volume 10—spoilers, I guess, for that volume. Brace yourself for odd rambling.


**Gifts of Handkerchiefs and Yukatas…**

DISCLAIMER: I don't own CCS. CLAMP owns. Plus various other anime companies. That's all I have to do, right? Good.

Yeah, I know I really should be working on Tomoyo Gains Weight, but since watching the CCS anime and rereading the manga, PLUS Tsubasa, I remembered how big of a Sakura and Syaoran fan I am. So I wanted to write a fic just for them. XD Takes place in Volume 10 of the manga. 

I was surprised when she suggested we take the long way to her house, through the park.

I mean, sure, she might've just wanted to ask me some things about Clow, after seeing that cryptic dream of hers. She didn't know much—mainly because she was just stuffed into this Clow Card business unwillingly. God, damn that stuffed animal. Not only did it use her, but it made sure to tell Sakura everything about nothing. Screw its insecurities—Sakura damn well deserved to know a lot of things, and she got punished for being ignorant too many times. I admit, I was one of the people who was doing the punishing, but my scathing remarks were nothing in comparison for the Final Judgment with Yue. It was lucky that Clow planned everything out beforehand, or else Sakura would've… 

The thought of her losing the Judgment and of her forgetting… the thought of _me_ forgetting _her_… it scares me.

But that's not the point. Back to what I was saying. So as soon as she suggested it, she took my hand and led me towards the park. I easily obliged to her wishes (like always), willing to fill her in with anything that she wanted to know. I didn't like this worried look on her face, so I was eager to ease her mind. It was something I was capable of doing, so it made me feel good that I could make her worries go away. Me, the person who usually is the causer of worry. 

It was scary, that time. When Yue and I found her lying on the ground, unconscious, I nearly went berserk. What the hell was going on? It was frustrating for me to not be able to do anything—to see the person I cared about the most getting hurt all the time, and I … time and time again… not being able to help her at all. I'm useless.

So when I found myself on the swings of the park, swaying with the gentle wind and watching the petals of cherry blossoms drift slowly through the air, I was relieved that I could help her with this one thing that was bothering her.

I was quickly let down, however, when she looked down a bit sadly, yet with a soft smile, and told me that she had told Yukito that she loved him. I swear I could feel my heart dropping down to the floor with a deadened thud, and then flopping around like a fish out of water.

And then she told me that he had turned her down. Words came tumbling out from her lips and the scene was set out in front of me. He didn't love Sakura. He didn't love her. I could see the pain making its way to her face, despite her efforts to just smile it away. The tears leaked out, and I could feel her usually bright and shining aura, weakening. I could feel her anguish emanating from her as strongly as the heat from a fire. 

Once again, I felt useless. I could do nothing for her as she poured her heart out. I only sat there, doing nothing. WWDD? What Would Daidouji Do? Probably give her a hug and sooth her tears with coos of "Sakura-chan" and whatnot. Then give her a long speech on how Sakura is such a bright and loving girl, and that there are plenty other people out there for her that will love her. And whom Sakura can love in return. Damn her—why does she have to set the bar so high? How could anything I do compare to her? I cursed myself silently, and pulled out a handkerchief from my pocket. The least I could do, I supposed, was to stop her crying. 

I strained myself to smile gently at her as she cried and whimpered, and handed her a handkerchief, telling her that I understood what she was going through. After all, who better than me to know what she was talking about? I already knew what it was like for the one person you love the most to not love you in return. And her watery eyes looked up at me with such gratefulness, and she whispered her usual, "arigato" as she accepted my handkerchief. She clutched it between her fingers to her chest. 

It was an awkward feeling, taking her into my arms. Did I deserve holding her like that? Did I deserve being with her like this? Did I deserve her trust and faith in me? But I couldn't stop my arms from trying to comfort her. I couldn't stop myself from murmuring words of hope for her. When it comes to her, I can't stop myself from doing a lot of things. I know that it's stupid, that it's dangerous, that it's just _wrong_ for someone like me to be allowed these things, but all thoughts of reason seem to fly out when I'm near her. 

She's got me on a short leash. To my disgust, I don't mind. At all.

As soon as she had gotten her bearings and her face lost its flush from crying, she looked up at me brightly and smiled. A blush spreads across my cheeks. Yep, I'm tied around her finger. 

"Arigatou gozaimasu, Syaoran-kun," she said. "Honto… arigatou." 

_Thank you, Syaoran. Thanks… a lot._

I walked her home, then, figuring no one would miss me if I came home a bit late. Besides, who knew what kind of unpredictable danger might strike her… like… more… stuffed animals… or something. Yeah. That's it. I needed to be there. To protect her. 

Did I deserve to be near her? To walk her home? 

Too late, we had already reached her doorstep.

She thanked me again, and gave me a large grin. We parted ways, and I can't help feeling, again, how useless I am. A simple pat on the back and a walk home can't possibly make her feel better. Why the hell was wrong with me? Why can't I do anything?

And she surprised me again, (it always seems to be her) when she threw open the door with exuberant energy and a bright radiance and ran straight up to me. Her aura seemed to pulsating strongly again, and it overwhelmed me with its… fluffy pinkness. I guess that's just Sakura.

She exclaimed something about a festival, Tsukimine Shrine, Sunday, at six… I suppose I wasn't really paying any attention to the words, just her large smile. I merely nodded dumbly along, relieved that she was feeling better. (How? How is she smiling this way as if nothing had happened? Why is she always…)

"Yakusoku!" she said, holding out her pinky. _Promise!_ My face was dazed as I hooked her extended pinky with mine. She beamed, and took the vase of flowers from my hands. _I'll get some water for them!_

And then that week. What the hell was she doing to hurt her hands so badly?! Don't give me that "it's nothing" when it's OBVIOUSLY worsening! I remember that week—how damned frustrating it was to be in the dark while Daidouji merely chuckled and pretended she didn't know what was going on either. What was this thing that she can't even tell _me_…

But then again, what gave me the right to insist she tell me everything? So I dropped it. Plus, damned Daidouji and her stupid evil cackle. 

And once again, I found myself surprised by Sakura's… by _Sakura_. What is this ability of hers to shock and amaze me so easily? Me, who had years of training to avoid _any_ type of discretion? When her father showed me the yukata she so meticulously worked on and tired over for four days, and I was speechless. And I couldn't stop thinking about her hands. The cuts and scratches and hurts and pains were for me? I longed to look at her then—to go up to her and take her hands into mine and kiss the hurt away. Why would she do something like this? For someone who does nothing but get in her way?

We left the house then with me struggling not to trip in those damned geta. She hummed a simple tune and blissfully walked down the rode with me. I stammered a thanks, and she shook her head. 

"Ano toki… hontou arigatou," she said, handing me back my handkerchief with a kind smile. _Thank you… for that time. _

Could she see the love reflected in my eyes? How much I cared for her? 

Maybe it'd be better if I just kept my stupid mouth shut. After all, who knew the pain of rejection better than she did? Why should I bother her with my feelings… she'd just feel sad for me, because she'd know she didn't feel the same way towards me. How could I burden her with such a thing? She'd cry, and then I'd feel bad. 

It'd be better if things stayed the way they were. No use screwing it up with my stupid feelings. She doesn't need to know. …And I don't need to tell her. What was it that Daidouji always said? As long as she's happy… 

Yeah, I guess that'd work. As long as Sakura keeps on smiling, keeps on shining bright… I'll be fine. 

I'll be fine.

"Syaoran-kun!" 

_I'll be fine._


End file.
